El Salvador in review

I must admit, I have tried 3 or 4 times to sit and write about my experiences in El Salvador and can never seem to find the words to adequately describe that trip's impact on me. It was one of the most influential things I have ever been a part of. Some how I am worried I can not do it justice with words. There were so many emotions involved I feel that my retelling the experience will fall terribly flat. I shall try anyway....let me start from the beginning. (I apologize in advance if this is long, I am attempting to retell and entire mind blowing week into one blog post.)

After a very anticipated count down, everyday my excitement level jumped, Em and I finally packed our bags and walked to the Immigration office ready to start our two long day journey to Salvador. In the short walk through town I was overcome by the sense that I am no longer a resident of PG but just one more white person passing through. I have tried hard to fight that image but because of my skin color and big pack, I was once again a walking dollar sign, or so my paranoid mind thought. I was not worried for my safety but rather what I represent.
We boarded the Water Taxi that took us across our little stretch of the Caribbean to Puerto Barrios, Guatemala. The trip takes about an hour and the whole time I sat in silence trying to process what was going on. My mind raced as we skipped (read: slammed) across the water. It is important to note that behind us sat a few Peace Corps volunteers who the whole ride talked about "How hard it is being here" and "How life is America is so much better" and my favorite "We ONLY make this much money here, and the $6,000 they give us to get resettled in America is not enough" (It is important to note that PCVs make about 4 times as much money as JVs do a month and JVs don't receive a "readjustment allowance"). Emily and I just smiled knowingly to one another with the very clear divide nearly palpable between us and them. We were not just two white people on vacation but rather two seekers on a pilgrimage. Witnesses to the lives of men slain for their outspoken defense of the poor.
We spent the night in Puerto Barrios which is loud, bright, very dirty, Spanish speaking, quite dangerous and overall not appealing. I use the term ("spent the night"loosely...we had a 4am bus) We boarded our bus in the wee hours, having not slept much and made the 6 hour journey to Guatemala City. Guatemala is an enormous sprawling metropolis. We were driving for about 40 minutes within the city limits. Surrounded by the Spanish banter of old women selling fruit and tamales we got off the bus into.. dare I say it... chilly weather. A pleasant surprise! The next bus we needed to catch was at noon. Our taxi driver, Hector, told us... well told Emily (my terrible high school Spanish made traveling through Central America an issue.) That he could drive us to the Salvadoran border by noon, essentially saving us 2 hours. We thought about it, and seeing that we did not have to pay to leave Belize OR enter Guatemala (saving us about 50 American dollars!) We decided to splurge and take Hector up on his offer. I tried my best to become his friend with my basic Spanish, my theory is... who kidnaps their friends? We made it to the border caught a bus and made our way to San Salvador.
We made it to our destination. Extremely tired, by this point we had been up for about 17 hours. I ran into some kids from Carroll which was neat and my dear friend Lauren who is a JV in Nicaragua. Lauren walked me to the UCA (Universidad Centroamericana) the place where the Jesuits were killed. Lauren accompanied me to the Romero Center, the site of the infamous Rose Garden, we entered just before they closed at dusk, adding a dramatic sunset to an already moving experience. I was exhausted, covered in dirt, carrying my heavy pack and upon walking into the famous rose garden where 20 years prior the priests were dragged and systematically shot in the head, I was overcome with emotion and started crying. Here grow flowers from a patch of grass fertilized by the blood of men bearing witness to justice and human rights.
It was all too much for me, here I am a young man attempting to bear witness to the struggle of the poor in Central America at the place Jesuits were martyred for a similar goal. Oppression and injustice is not some abstract political jargon but rather a harsh reality of the worlds poor and marginalized.
I then sat in the room where the house keeper and her daughter were also killed. Innocence. Lives taken for no reason. The daughter, a 17 year old was going to be married not long after, however she became one of the 75,000 people killed during the war in her tiny broken country. All I could think about was her poor fiance. (the husband/ father of the women was the groundskeeper and the man who planted the roses).
I was extremely emotional and promised myself I would come back the next day once I had rested to pay a proper respects. I met up with Fr. Paul the man I would be staying with, a Cleveland diocesan priest, who I was referred to from a friend of a friend. Fr. Paul lives in La Libertad, an area to the south of San Salvador on the pacific ocean. Fr. Paul lived in El Salvador during the 70s- 80s during the war. He not only lived in El Salvador during war but was much more involved than I expected... as I came to find out. Paul was working back in Cleveland and asked to spend the rest of his life in El Salvador rather than as he said " die in some home, bored and alone". I knew from the start Paul and I were going to hit it off.
The following morning I took the bus 45 minutes from Libertad to San Salvador. Which was a terrifying, amazing adventure in it self. The bus system is San Salvador is one of the most unsafe places to be for a Gringo, in one of the most unsafe cities (once again my broken shitty Spanish... not helpful.) One would think that after living in Central America for multiple months that he would be used to feeling out of place, but let me tell you. Doesn't go away... that feeling of "Wow I am out of place, 3 feet taller than most people here... and everyone in the whole place is staring at me".
I was taking the bus to hear Dean Brackley SJ speak at the UCA. It was well worth the very scary 45 min bus ride. He is an exceptional man. Brackley was teaching at Fordhamin 1989 and upon hearing his brother Jesuits were killed over the weekend in Salvador he packed his bags and asked... "who is taking my classes for me on Monday?" and as swift as that, moved to El Salvador. Has been there ever since. Dean said " to combat poverty we need to make this the century of solidarity, we need to globalize the practice of love". I walked away inspired and enlightened. That evening I attended a backyard mass with about 80-100 of people between the ages of 17-26(the Casa program is an immersion/ study abroad program in El Salvador. Emily went for the reunion and I tagged along. Casa was atarted by two former JVs from Belize). Despite the fact it was in Spanish I was blown away by the Mass. All I could think was "yes.. this is the church. Young, vibrant, committed to social justice and solidarity to the poor". Fr. Paul and I spent the next day together, laughing talking with a lot of questions from me, answers from him. We had a long conversation about how religion makes so much more sense down here, it is simple, and vivid, and true to the condition of the people. He laughed and told me his first sermon back in the States, after living in Salvador for 5 years, was something a long these lines " I love you all... but I wanted to let you know, you are all going to hell" haha He is a great man. I was extremely grateful I had the opportunity to spend a week with such a social justice titan. Fr. Paul has done so much for so many people, and is so quick to brush off any praise or compliments... constantly telling me, it is what was needed to be done. The next day at dinner Paul and I were talking about the War years... something I was asking him about all week. He was slow to open up and I now understand why. Those killed and tortured were not random priests or random Salvadorans he read about in the news. These were his friends. He worked closely with Archbishop Romero, meeting once a week with him. Ruttlio Grande was going to say mass for Paul the week before he was killed. The Maryknoll Sisters that were raped and killed... were leaving the airport to drive to meet up with Paul. He was the one to report them missing. He was not simply in El Salvador during the violence, he was in the crossfire. At point I asked him... " Father, knowing myself, if my friends were being shot, raped and kidnapped.... I would have the urge to radicalize, did you feel that at all?" He responded with a completely straight face, " I could have picked up a gun, but what would that have changed? But I did what was going to make a change, I kept teaching. That's what the Salvadorans needed, not more violence, but education and love." Fr. Paul is incredible. Liberation through education. I knew this weekend was going to be epic but did not for see my relationship with a man I had never met meaning so much to me.

The following day I went to the Vigilia for the men and women murdered. It started with a candle lit walk around the campus. There were close to 15,000 people there from around the world to bear witness to the lives and work of those men and women. It was an honor to be among their numbers. I walked with Fr. Jeff and Fr. Brian... a few of the Jesuits from Belize that also made the trip (they flew haha). After the walk there was a Mass for all those attending, including about 50 priests cocelebrating.
I have been so impressed by the Salvadoran people, a people who seem to constantly seem to get rolled over with violence and injustice and yet a people that soldier on. They pick themselves and each other up and walk on. So inspiring. The following day Fr. Dick, Fr. Brian, Emily and myself went to the church where Archbishop Oscar Romero was gunned down. Another person killed for their outspoken defense of the poor. It was one of the most impressive weeks of my life. Reaffirmed all that I feel about my small place in the world. Reaffirmed my work in Belize. Reaffirmed in me that living the Gospel message is not something nice hear on Sunday mornings, but rather a radical counter cultural commitment to the poor and to fight oppression in all its forms.


( I have much more to say about El Salvador but that will do for now)
"What I can do, you can not.
What you can do, I can not.
But together, we can do something beautiful for God"
- Mother Theresa

"The struggle against injustice

and the pursuit of truth

cannot be separated nor can one

work for one independent of the other."

Ignatio Ellacuría, S.J.

Murdered superior of Jesuit community

El Salvador....

Emily and I leave tomorrow for El Salvador. We are going for the 20th anniversary of the Jesuits who were martyred there because they were thought to be subversive to the Salvadorian government (by soldiers trained by the US to fight "communism"). I am extremely excited... for what exactly? Hard to specify. El Salvador, a new country.. checking out Belize's neighbors. The joy of traveling (while having no money) is really something I enjoy. Going to the epicenter of Liberation Theology, to the place were men and women's lives were taken for their outspoken pursuit of justice for the poor is big part of my excitement. Home to Archbishop Oscar Romero who was also killed for speaking out against the corrupt military based government, is another aspect.

This is a pretty huge trip for me... living and working for justice in Central America and going to such an epic event will be wildly influential, or so I hope. The Jesuits that were killed are receiving the highest honor from the Salvadorian government this year as an act of atonement. This does not undo the atrocious murders of 75,000 Salvadorians, nor does it fix the many many injustices still facing El Salvador but it is still something, and something is better than nothing.

I am very excited for this spiritual pilgrimage of sorts, and will have a better update when I get home next week. Pray for the Salvadorians who recently lost their lives in a series of mudslides that occurred because of Hurricane Ida.

"measure a man by the friends he keeps"

"I have to remind myself that some birds weren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knew it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But your world is just that much colder and emptier when they're gone. I don't know... maybe I just miss my friend."

I am sorry for the delay in posts my life has been a hotmess. Today I got a message from an avid reader of Matt's Motorcycle Diary saying "It's been 20 days and I check everyday, please write something" So this post is for Kathleen Reece. Thank you for the kick in the pants as well as the support.

Appropriate I would say because I am writing about something that has been on my mind a lot recently: value of friendship. As well as, the feeling of being restricted in my friendships while being here. Previous to coming to Belize I valued my rich diversity in friends, and prided myself on retaining those relationships. While in Belize because of certain aspects of my life it is hard to stay connected to the people you love. Phone calls are too expensive to make for me to check in on people. And if people want to call me we need a pre established date and time so I will be by the phone. These are not enormous hurdles but rather something to deal with. And yes I have become an avid writer of snail mail letters. But frequently my community mates and I say somewhat exhaustively " It is hard to continue to be a good friend while here". This is not something I even realized was an issue until being here. I had some idealized idea that my friends and I would talk at a frequent rate, not the case for most.

This may sound like ramblings of a white kid in central america but at the heart lies a deeper issue. This past week a deep blow was dealt to the John Carrol community. To deal with something so serious from so far away was quite hard. This not only deeply affected me in a personal way, but affected many of those that I love back in the States. It is hard to be a compassionate friend while out of touch more or less. Being far away has been helpful and hard at the same time. I am not surrounded by what was affecting everyone, but at the same time I felt on my own. My community mates have been incredibly supportive to me in this time of darkness doing everything they can for me. And I am appreciative of that.

On the flip side, while being here in Belize I have retained friendships that are now cemented into my life, people who have made themselves part of my experience. Those that I love who are invested into my life down here have been a huge blessing. This has helped me with feelings of "what am I doing here?". Knowing people love and support me from far away has filled me with an amazing sense of gratitude. Being here in Belize has stripped down my life in a variety of ways - lack of materialism, no hot water, reduced communication with home, changed comfort zone, serious tropical illness, as well as a minority status . But that being said, what is left when all of that is gone is in a sense, my real self. With the long slow discovery of one's self, your inner most desires are acknowledged, challenged and questioned. Never before in my life have I felt such a rapid change in who I am, more importantly who I am becoming. This existential discover has become my day to day. Included in that are the people who support, applaud and stand back and watch... my friends and family who I am indebted. It is odd, some of my closest friends who I have known either the past 4 years, or my whole life, I feel that our friendship has grown closer more so in these 3 months than in the past three years. This is equally true the men that have known me my entire life, my brothers. The conversations had with my brothers while being here have been the most in depth and intentional we have ever shared. In a way they are my greatest supporters, and I didn't fully comprehend the size of that love until being here.

This post is all over the place, I realize that. But that is very much where I am right now. A mixture of comfort, discomfort; known and unknown; my reality versus the reality of Belizeans.

Thank you for continued support I have received as I go day to day, digging through the 'big questions' of the injustices of life in Belize, as well as the daily brilliant, beautiful joys of being a volunteer.

Love,
Matty

Rest in peace Cody Gullete
"a brilliant life cut too short"

'Where have you Found God today?" -Steph Galeota

"Now the summer days are through

You pass through places

And places pass through you

But you carry them with you

On the soles of your traveling shoes"
-The Littlest Bird's, Jolie Holland

Its October I can't believe it! I am in my third month "in country" and I feel like life is flying by. (this has a lot to do with the fact that temperature wise, it still feels like August). My retreats have started up with a fury. I was extremely nervous for my first two (a teachers retreat, and a confirmation retreat) but once the wheels started turning my apprehension subsided. To walk into a room with 20 silent, mostly Maya, teachers was incredibly intimidating... for a variety of reasons including the following:

1) 90% of the teachers were older than me
2) This was my first time leading a retreat in Belize and though I had previous experience in college I was worried about imposing North American cultural norms on the group. (this is something I have become extremely sensitive to, as Americans we view our way as the only way, most times without realizing it)
3) I had a bit of a scheduling issue with a previous retreat and was very worried about anything happening in front of my boss, again. ("First mistake, no sweat, you are new"...Second... "you are an idiot." Well not really but that's how I was thinking)
4) I am a tall, white, young, unmarried man who isn't becoming a priest. I myself am an anomaly ("No I don't have children" "No I'm not married" "Not a priest" "No, not gay")

The purpose of my retreat was to examine where each teacher was in their faith journey. By doing that they can see where they would like to be. And throughout the day I introduced a variety of prayer practices that were outside of what they had experienced. For a group of people raised in an extremely orthodox Catholic upbringing I wanted to show that there is no right or wrong way to pray, and we can pray in our everyday using everything around us. We each bring what we have: our gifts, talents, imagination and use our experiences both good and bad, accept them for what they are, to reach God. Many people, including most of the Teachers, assume we have to be a certain way to be faithful. But comparing ourselves to others we ultimately fall short. But by comparing "where we think we should be" to "where we actually are" we get a better understanding of our struggles with faith resulting in a more authentic experience with the Divine (whatever that is for you).

I received a lot of positive feedback from the teachers who were blown away by the simple prayer methods I introduced, most of which were based in Ignatian Spirituality. Some of these included "Practical Prayerwalking"... walking with intention, be mindful instead of just rushing to a destination, walking slowly, purposefully using our senses to experience God in our everyday world; Making a Spiritual Life Graph and examining situations throughout your life that has brought you closer to God or turned you away from God. By reflecting on that and talking with others the teachers had a better understanding of where they were. Faith journey is not something often talked about so that in itself was new.

I was really happy to bring my experience to help enhance the spiritual experience of the Teachers. And it also felt really really good to do a job and do it well. I know for certain some of my retreats will completely flop (most of the success of a retreat comes from dialogue and interaction from the retreatants) but for now I feel good knowing I did good work. And at other times I struggle with the question "Why am I here? I merely lead these silly little retreats". So having a successful first retreat helped with my sense of purpose. (this is all I have time for now, but I wanted to leave you with how my boss Fr. Dick closes every Mass which I think is simple and wonderful )

"Let us go and Love one another and that is how we will love God"

-Matty

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
— Chris McCandless

"Is there happiness in your heart?"

Recently I was thumbing through one of the many "Belize" travel books on our shelf and one of the more in depth books had a section on basic Ket'chi phrases. (The two separate groups of Maya people in Belize are the Ket'chi and Mopan). Seeing as I will be working with Maya people for the majority of my retreat ministry I thought it would be helpful to learn some helpful phrases. *Ket'chi is near impossible using many sounds that we in North America cant produce, back of your throat type sounds* But intrigued, I read on.

The book said that the Ket'chi people only have one proper greeting. It is used at all times of the day or night. The phrase translates exactly to "Is there happiness in your heart?" and the proper response is "My heart is full of happiness". ....How beautiful? To greet friend and foreigner with such a poignant phrase.... Is there happiness in your heart?

I was so struck by the simple truth and beauty to this phrase I have been thinking about it and mulling for a while. Then I applied it to myself. I think for the first time in a very long time, there is nothing but happiness in my heart. All aspects of my life seem to be coming together in such a wonderful fashion. My work life was a bit slow for my first month here, a lot of prep work for my retreats which was not exactly to my liking (sitting behind a computer all day, not my style). But I have recently gotten the ball rolling on my retreats and I will be leading 11 retreats in the month of october! I thrive on this pressure and anxiety that comes with it. I feel like I am truly settling into Belize, and my life here. Next week will be 2 months "in country" crazy to think how quick that has flown by! So much has happened , so much more to come. My community has provided me with such a great space to be myself, to be ones true self with no walls or hesistation is so appreciated. Those that know me well, know that I am loud, inappropriate, spiritual, at times obnoxious, and always quick to laugh. To be around one another, being not what we think we should be, or refraining from what we think or feel, but beings one's true self is really great.

In a recent email to my buddy Sam Brenner I was trying to put to words how overcome with happiness I have become and I struggled with how to put it to words. I just feel so right. The simple beauty of my life has made me just smile. What sacred space I have here, to live in a developing nation, trying in my own way to accompany the belizean people, hoping to learn all I can, trying in some small way to help, but also a time to work on myself. Developing more than anything- myself.

This is not to say, I live in some Disney movie where people have no troubles and candy falls from the sky. But rather, it through the discomfort of the day to day (sun burn, cockroaches, rats, bug bites, searing heat, non stop perspiration, homesickness, helplessness, frustration with the culture and people) that I have dug deeper. Outside of those very real pains, a happiness has bubbled forth. A happiness that is pure and good. It surrounds me, fills me with energy and laughter. Quite truly I'm drunk on it, can't get enough.

I'm sure my roommates are sick of me coming home for lunch, enjoying my lunch (generally left over rice and beans) and exclaiming "God damn its a great day!".

Call it the rush of a new JV, or the musing of man given too many endorphins at birth but when asked I can truly respond "My heart is filled with happiness".

May your heart be filled with it,
Matty Woots