My view from the end...

During our disorientation last month we were told to think of “our story”, what is it we will tell people about our time here. Which had me thinking… “What is my story?” Not necessarily the two minute elevator conversation version but the longer, truer story of my time and life in Belize. Due to my hectic work schedule and trying to wrap everything up before I leave I haven’t had a lot of time. Not to mention, I am a natural optimist and a pain avoiding “7” on the enneagram , so sitting with feelings of loss and the pain of leaving are hard for me. My mind naturally runs to what home is going to be like or how much I am going to enjoy seeing my nephews again.

Here I sit in the old, weather beaten, falling down shack of a house that has become my home over these past two years. I am sick, again, despite only having a week left in Belize. Part of me thinks this is my body shutting down from the stress of this wild transition, another more rational part of me thinks it may have been the food and water from the village where I was visiting some friends to say goodbye last weekend. (Soup made of pig tails was the dinner, mmmm!) Regardless of what caused this seemingly poorly timed illness it has given me ample time to sit, review, and reflect. So with that in mind, I am grateful for a time to just lay on the couch and think about what has happened, what is happening and what is about to happen.

Away for two years. That’s a long time to be out of the country where I was raised. Previous to this, the longest I had been out of the country and away from home was to study abroad, and that was in Rome, and only for four months, quite different than Belize for two years. Being away for that long hasn’t been the hardest part about my time here, actually its been one of the easiest. Once you realize you aren’t leaving it gives you the freedom to settle in to your new host country and build relationships. It’s the going “home” that is hard part for me now. Leaving all that I know here to go back to that place I used to know. That scares me.

Last week my second year community mate, Emily, came back for a visit. Which was consoling, talking with a former community member who has made the scary transition home right before I am about to make it myself. I was expressing some nervousness and she asked “Matt, do you feel that you have done what you needed to do in these two years? Do you feel you have completed the reason you were sent here?” Questions that caught me off guard, in the best possible way, and after a moment I thought to myself an unequivocal affirmation, “yeah, I think I have”.

My placement is to lead retreats through out the Toledo District in 30 different villages, most of which are indigenous Maya populations. I have loved my job, creating a safe space for people to talk about their greatest joys and deepest hurts in a culture that does not generally talk of such things has been incredible. Doing nothing to “fix” their hurts but just being with them, sitting with them, listening, and validating all that they are feeling is what I have attempted to do. I have worked with both students and teachers and I think when I leave next week I will have facilitated somewhere in the ballpark of 160 retreats and helped prepare nearly 600 students for the sacrament of Confirmation. This is not to say it has come easy, not in the least. Especially in the beginning, as I attempted to lead a retreat in a remote village 2 hours from the town where I live, in the middle of the jungle, to a group of adults, for who English is their third language, they were twice my age and are members of a culture I knew little about. It was certainly challenging (not to mention: heat, sickness, bugs, culture shock, bad dirt roads in old trucks, and loss of power and electricity on a frequent basis). However, it is in spite of, or rather, because of, those challenges that after two years I am so in love with this place and these people. Those villagers who were silent and skeptical of this lanky gringo in the beginning have become my friends, mentors and teachers.

So what has come of my time? In JVC we talk a lot about accompaniment, not “doing” but just “being” with the people we work with and for. Simply being present to them with our full selves. That is something I think about a lot, especially given that my job is to run retreats. Though another term that I feel is more fitting for my “story” has been “communion”. A term used in a religious sense for that moment at Mass when we receive God and the spiritual nourishment that comes with that. God enters us and we enter more fully into God. Communion also draws to mind other images, “communal union”. The idea that we are communal, that we are community that lives together and takes care of one another, and we are in union with each other, oneness. A group of individuals brought together, interconnected in an unbroken bond. And I think that is something I will take from my time in Belize, that “oneness”. That communion with the poor of Toledo is also something that I hope to bring back to the States to those people who are not materially poor, and I hope to recognize that communion with those in America, rich and poor alike. That oneness, I am in them and they are in me. The moment I forget that, then it is in that moment, I have failed.

During my time here I’m not sure how much I have “accomplished” in the American “to-do list” sense, but I have grown in self knowledge, which seems nearly selfish to think after two years in Belize the thing most changed is me. Well perhaps that’s the point. I can change nothing but myself. So as I depart for “home” I leave this place that has become my home different than when I arrived. The loss of this time, along with my identity as “Mistah Mot” is going to be hard. But I was never meant to be here long term, I knew that the day I arrived, that scorching day in early August 2009, that the next time I would be on an airplane would be to leave. That being said one can’t fully learn from the experience they have had if they stay. Perhaps more growth, self knowledge and life is to be found once I take this time home with me and unpack it then. I am nervous for the next leg of the journey but I find solace in the fact that the God I found here in communion among the poor is the same God who will be with me as I go home. She was with me, is with me and will be with me.

Thank you Belize for all you have taught me. Thank you for incredible jungles, and sparkling Caribbean Sea that mark your borders. Thank you for your people, diverse and beautiful, who despite their suffering have taught me to love beyond the limits I previously adhered to. Thank you for your mangoes and coconuts fresh from the tree. Thank you for challenging me, taking me in and shaping me. Thank you for your tremendous thunderstorms, your cheap rum, your rhythmic drumming, and warm corn tortillas. I will miss you and I will carry you with me.

There is an ancient Maya saying when one departs “I’na k’etch” and it means “I am in you and you are in me”.

“I’na ketch, Belize, I’na Ketch.”

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. "- Buddha

Oh the blog conundrum.....

I have attempted to write three separate blog entries this week, and deleted each one shortly after beginning. Let me spell out how I am feeling about this blog.

I am in my second year, so blogging has become more of a burden than something I like.

On the one hand I feel obliged to continue with my musings and points of interest about Belize, what I am up to etc. People at home enjoy it.

But on the other hand, I don't feel that I should have to blog because others enjoy it. Something about blogging takes me away the present as I attempt to have interesting stories about my life, or more generally, about Belize. I am invested and involved in work and my community more than ever, so to try and sum that up is more challenging, and there is, indeed, something a bit fake about it..

Since being in Belize, and removed from America, I have made a concerted effort to increase the intentionality of my communication with others. I have written many more letters in these 15 months than I ever have before in my life, I deleted Facebook, I write sincere emails, and have one pretty cool postcard relationship (thanks b. knapp!). That being said, I am happy to share myself and what it means to be a foreigner in a small, forgotten country as I attempt to accompany the beautiful people of Belize, but I am not sure blogging is the best way for me to do that.

I am sure this all sounds like I have gone off the deep end, so I apologize for those who check this regularly, but I also hope that my sense of gratitude and happiness, which has increased tremendously in year two, is apparent. I feel quite alive. I feel I am part of PG and PG is part of me. I have people who love me, inspire me and teach me everyday. Yes, I am a short term volunteer, but I also feel like I have intimate friendships with those I encounter in my day to day. Being in Belize still knocks my socks off at times, what a special place this is, but on the other hand, after being gone for so long, this is also regular life for me. So blogging is a bit weird to write about my daily life. (I think that last sentence made more sense in my head, rather than when I typed it out haha)

The recognition that my time here is not forever is also becoming apparent. Especially in this holiday season in Belize.... suddenly beginning "my lasts" (Garifuna Settlement day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc) . So that being said, I plan on actually being here... rather than worrying/ attempting to recreate my life here for those who read my blog.

I sincerely hope you are all well and are blown away by moments of joy and gratitude in your own lives.

with love,

Matt

* I may update later in my time but for now, this will be it.

5 second update

In my last post I told you how we fled to the city, scared for our lives etc.

Well 5 days later I was back up north. This time to get my poo tested.

It felt like deja vu, as I sat in the overly air conditioned waiting room waiting for my test results. It was the last day of September.

September of last year I was in the same waiting room, in a considerable more amount of pain, waiting for my results also. Last year it was dengue.

This year it is, as I would come to find out, parasites. Specifically giardia.

A red flag was raised mentally when I had the runs for quite a while (2 months) and then in the last week I lost about 7-10 lbs.

So after 4 hours in the hospital, sure enough. Parasites. No worries, take some medicine and I am on my way.

Or so I hope... as the doctor was writing the prescription he kind of shrugged and said " I hope this works" (I hope it works to, but didn't you go to school for this, man?) haha.

Life is busy now and I will be working all weekend in preparation for my first teachers' retreat of the year on Tuesday. (Naturally, I am last minute with the planning. ) Then Wednesday morning I hop on the boat to Guatemala to begin Matt's Big Adventure To Nicaragua! (from here on out it will be referred to as: MBATN) I will go through Guate, to Honduras, spend the night, then take a bus from San Pedro Sula and arrive in Managua 12 hours later.

Sounds pretty straight forward. But if we know anything about Matt when he travels , and I'd like to think I do, it never goes according to plan for our valiant hero. So check back here sometime in the near future to hear all about the adventures.

Oh Matthew...

Word spread fast that Matthew was coming to Belize inspiring fear and trembling among the Belizeans. They didn't know what to expect so they prepared for the worst. Keeping their children locked indoors and covering their windows they waited until he came with his wild fury.

No this is not a recap of August 2009, before I moved down to the obscure little country. It is in fact the story of last weekend when Hurricane...err... Tropical Storm Matthew made his crash course to Belize. A storm that I didn't even know about until Thursday night when roommate Jeremy said "What are we going to do about this storm?". (I thought he was talking about the thunderstorms that come every single evening in PG.) So I responded

"Young Jeremy we will do what we always do, read our books maybe drink a beer or two"

" Uh no I mean the hurricane coming towards Belize"

"Hurricane?"

Jeremy shrugs, " I guess, all the Peace Corps are on standby and schools are all canceled tomorrow"

"Oh... well that sounds kind of serious"

(We JVs are generally the last to find out news with no TV or radio)

So we were unsure what was to happen next. It looked like we may be spared as the storm was aiming for Belize City ("Ha! those suckers" we thought) But Matthew had other plans for us and said "Sike! I'm coming right for YOU". Fr. Jeff our fearless leader eventually made the call Friday afternoon that we should get the heck out of town and make our way to city as soon as possible. So, my roommates and I, began to pack. In case you haven't experienced it, packing to evacuate for a hurricane is a crazy process. "what do we need?" "what if the house gets blown away?"(a strong wind makes our house sway) "How many pairs of boxers do I need?" "What do we do with the dog?"etc etc.

Off we raced in the truck... driving at a bit of a crazed speed... unsure if we were going to make the infamous Kendell Bridge in time before it flooded over and cut us off from safety. The Kendell floods during every major storm which is a real pain for those trying to go either north or south. In August I, and my fellow Belizean travelers, had to be ferried over the raging flood waters on a small boat because the bus couldn't pass. Safe? No. Adventurous? Yes.

We made the bridge and the water was low... a good omen.

The driving got a bit more intense once we reached the mountains in the middle of the journey. We reached the mountains the exact same time the rain started pouring and the sun went down. Not a good combination for the driver (me). So white knuckled for the next hour or so I wound our truck through the blind curves and steep descents with the poorly functioning windshield wipers at full speed.

At last we had made it to the city.

Long story short, we spent the weekend in the city with our amazing fellow JVs and the Jesuit community hosting us, displaced peoples from the South. We got lots of wind but not much rain in the city, and from what we heard, PG had the opposite, all rain no wind. (Also during the gale force winds I decided to give myself a haircut... mind you I haven't cut my hair in the nearly 14 months I've been here. pictures to follow. So it was a quite a big deal)

What does one do after fleeing for his life from an unknown powerful tropical cyclone?

Celebrate of course.

Upon coming home, my beloved Miss Cathy, the 60 year old cook for the priests, said "Of course this Matthew was a softpop hurricane, just like the other Matthew is a soft pop" ("Softpop" in kriole means a wuss. A name that Miss Cathy dubbed me due to the 49596 times I have been sick in this country. haha Generally it goes like this "Softpop if you put your hand in my food again I will BEAT YOU! we love each other.)

It was great to have an impromptu adventure to the City with my community mates. Now we have the irksome task of putting our lives back together post chaotic packing spree. Though it is nice to have that problem at all rather than the alternative.

Many thanks to the SJs and JVs up north for greeting, feeding and hosting us.

(note: as of this writing there is a 40% chance of a tropical storm forming off belize's coast..... gotta love hurricane season in the caribbean)

pictures and poets..

A few pictures supplemented with the words of some of my favorite poets.
Enjoy.

"I've heard within my inmost soul

such cheerful morning news,

In the horizon of my mind

Have seen such orient hues"

-Thoreau

" The world is charged with the grandeur of God

It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;

It gathers to greatness, like the ooze of oil"

-Hopkins

"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings.

The coming down is the hardest thing"

-Petty

all photo credit to roommate jeremy.
checkout jer's blog (on the right) for more pictures

Wednesday Morning...

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Thanks for the great poem Cyril!

wonderings of a wanderer

I don't quite have a full blog decided on so I will just write a few of the many ideas I have flowing around my mind these days. These will be completely undeveloped thoughts but I think an insight into what someone is thinking about can be just as informative as what they say.

-Year two has begun, the new community has unpacked and is getting settled into their lives and work here. Its a bit strange, or was at first, to be in a place that I call home, in a country once foreign but now comforting with people though, who are new. Much of my first year was spent asking questions to Pat and Emily about what they have learned, what the meaning of certain cultural norms, how to properly express something in Kriole etc... and those are the questions being asked of me. Funny, after being here a year, I feel like I know so little... but compared to Jeremy, Al, and Kathleen my 13 months of time here is a wealth of knowledge.

- Work is beginning to have regularity again as the school year begins. Despite working in the Parish , my work is primarily with schools so when schools out it makes work less consistent content wise. I have 30 retreats between October 1 and December 1! So I think the next few months are going to fly by when the intensity picks up.

-Feeling really good about being disconnected recently. The distance from Belize isn't that far from the States though at times it can feel like the other side of the world. But recently I have been really appreciating the fact I don't have a cell phone, shaky Internet access, and starting this summer, No facebook account. The seeming "lack" has created for me a really nice use of time. Spending more time reading,contemplating, praying and swimming is how I spend my free time. (not saying boredom isn't present at times, but rather, how I choose to deal with that is different)

-Time left vs. time here. It has come to my attention recently that the months I have been in-country has exceeded the time I have left. Which from the outside may seem like nothing note worthy but for whatever reason this feels like a huge, scary, accomplishment. Next week will mark my 13th month in Belize, it will also signify that I only have 9 months left. (9 months you're saying, that's so long!) But to someone who will be gone for 23 months, 9 is not very long. I don't want to give the impression that I am pining away to go home, quite the opposite. But the main reason that is on my mind is because I have been scheduling all my retreats from now until Christmas, so seeing December on my planner is scary.

-Gratitude in a variety of forms:I feel really appreciative of Ally, my friend who I met this summer who worked at an environmental NGO in PG, who just sent me some cookies and bomb dandelion tea. Which makes me grateful for all the other stuff that's been going on in my life. (Gratitude has a way of multiplying itself once you start to pay attention). Feeling grateful for my brother, Nick, who constantly goes out of his work day to help me with little things that are much harder to do from Belize (contact people, or send faxes for example). In turn, feeling really thankful for all the people who are supportive of my work and time in Belize, who send me a little love in the mail, or shoot me an email to let me know I am being thought of. For someone on the receiving end of all these blessings it makes my day that much brighter.

-Wondering if I will be able to work on Spanish in the remaining 9 months. Self teaching has never really been my thing (the exception being the pogo stick in 5th grade). I have a textbook from 1989 and I am hoping for the best, haha. I hope to make my way back to El Salvador this year so by hook or by crook I'll get by.

- Looking forward to getting engaged in activist work when I get home. Recognizing my own limitations as a foreigner here and respecting my role as a volunteer. Here to accompany the people of Toledo on their journey, bearing witness to their struggle but not here to work for structural change. That has to come from the Belizeans themselves, if I did that, it would be just as oppressive as those aspects I want to change. The struggle must come from the roots. Being in a place where I can not get political helps me appreciate the power I will have when I get home.

-Smiling as I realized this morning at the All Teacher Mass and Meeting to start the school year I knew every single person in the church, about 200 people, and everyone of them knew my name, despite most of the teachers living and working in remote villages. It was one of those moments reminding me of how cool it is to be here... here is a group of 200 teachers, that teach in nearly every single school in the Toledo district and they all smile and greet me by name. An unofficial signifier in my mind, that I have been here a year.

Please excuse my ramblings. I'd love to hear what each of you are thinking about these days.

Namaste-
Matty

"Give your hands to serve, and your heart to love"- Mother Teresa
(yesterday would have been Mother Teresa's 100th birthday)